Tuesday, June 21, 2005


I have been away for a while in a rehab and treatment center. Lauren and my son are with their father right now. I don't like what he’s telling them but I don't want to hurt them anymore. You can’t understand what it is like to hear your daughter tell you that she would prefer to live with her father to pull away when you are hugging her… to see pictures in her diary of a family with the “mommy” x’ed out. I needed to get back on my feet. I know that I am an alcoholic. I admit that I am powerless over drugs and my life is going out of control. They say that a long trip starts with a single one footstep, but I believe there is more planning involved before that step or trip is taken.

It started when my first child tom died. It feels good to write that - to get it out - to tell. This blog is a daily inventory of my life. I know now why Dr. Y made me write it – publicly. I left tom on the swings to get a “quick drink” from the car. I fell asleep. tom was in an old yellow swing. The swing was the kind that had a small chain that attaches from the seat to a metal cross bar that slides up and down to hold you in the rubber seat. They say tom tried to get down and got caught in the foot holes. I left him there for I don’t know how long swinging lifeless while I sobered up enough to call 911.

After the funeral I was taken into custody. I was gone a long time. I got pregnant while I was away with a doctor who was no treating me directly, but treated me kindly. I had my son taken away from me right after he was born. I didn’t even get to hold him. He was a year old when I was “introduced” to him for the first time. I didn’t cry. That’s sad and funny all at the same time. He was just another kid that I abandoned.

I made damn sure that Lauren would never be without a mother.

That was a long time ago and I have still been hanging on to it. That is why I push my daughter to be the best she can be...


Blogger Miguel Cabana said...

Holy Mama your nuts! Get back to Lauren's soccer, live for today!

10:40 AM  
Anonymous Nancy said...

I too was going through what you are going by day. Admit, submit, then remit

Good luck

6:45 PM  
Anonymous Emerson said...

I KNEW IT! There had to be a reason behind your crazy blogs. Now some of your other posts make SO much more sense. You are one wacky lady, but now we know why.

9:25 PM  
Anonymous Hez said...

Wow. Explains a lot. I am sorry that you are hurt by your daughter's feeling, but it really is what is best for them until you get the help you need. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your son. You are doing the right thing by confronting your demons, and I wish you the best of luck.

5:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you are on drugs and an alcoholic? That DOES explain a bit, like why you are so completley fucked up on these blogs. And it cost you the life of your own child and you kept doing it? Pathetic.

10:34 PM  
Anonymous Max said...

Sorry about all the cracks...

3:35 PM  
Blogger Janet said...

For me the best way to make up for past mistakes is to get healthy.
Cheering you on.

7:04 PM  

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